3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
