My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
