Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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