any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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