This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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