CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
