i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
