He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
