Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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