Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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