I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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