I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
