Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
