thus making me awesome and them whores
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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