I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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