The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
They are going to name an STD after you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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