I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
