allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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