Your dad touched me again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize