good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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