What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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