When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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