Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
