She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
