I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
