Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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