I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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