thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is my gift to your gina
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
