I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
