I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
