I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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