great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
