hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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