everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
