I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
