batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
