so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
