Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
