You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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