Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize