She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
