If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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