The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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