dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
