Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
