i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
