I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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