I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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