I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
