he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
