The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
