he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
