Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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