Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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