I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
