hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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