I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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