i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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