When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
