Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
