i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
are you so shy because you have an std?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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