3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
