Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There's even glitter on my cock...
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