My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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