Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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